


Certainly Worth It

by witbey0ndmeasure



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 04:00:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14907917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witbey0ndmeasure/pseuds/witbey0ndmeasure
Summary: Harry voices his deepest emotions and concerns to a sleeping Louis, who is more than his friend, but not quite his boyfriend.





	Certainly Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, this is an excerpt from a longer fic that I'm writing but I thought it stood pretty well on its own! but what I'm saying is let me know if you want to see more!

It was going on to two o’clock in the morning. In a dark, quiet bedroom Harry lay curled into Louis’s side. He had a cheek cushioned on Louis’s soft chest, and an arm wrapped snugly around his middle. Louis held Harry close to him with an arm draped across his back. He was snoring lightly, but every once in a while he would squeeze Harry’s side gently, or run the rough pad of his thumb back and forth over Harry’s soft skin. Louis wasn’t much of a cuddle-sleeper, so a small part of Harry felt like he should move and let Louis sleep. A much bigger part of him, however, was drunk on the feel of Louis’s naked skin against his own. Harry, being weak, snuggled in closer, gently squeezing Louis as he did so. He rationalized that Louis was already asleep anyways, so why break the beautiful, full bodied, skin on skin contact that Harry was so enjoying?

Louis sighed in his sleep, squeezing Harry gently in response.

Harry rubbed small, feather-light circles into Louis’s silky skin. He felt like his heart was slowly breaking, but also like it was fuller than it’s ever been. That’s how everything with Louis felt; poetically, dramatically bittersweet. Their relationship was so close, so intimate, but it wasn’t a ‘relationship’ at all, really. They cared for each other honestly and deeply, but Louis was so emotionally unavailable. He gave Harry gentle, heart wrenching goodbye kisses, but when he saw somebody he knew he introduced Harry as his ‘friend _._ ’ They had phenomenal sex that turned Harry’s body to jelly, but he didn’t want to hold Harry’s hand. God, he didn’t want to hold Harry’s hand. Harry didn’t think that would ever stop hurting.

Harry understood, though. Really. He knew that Louis was currently in a tough spot in his life, a place where he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship, where he didn’t want to get too close. Louis had been open about that from the very beginning, so Harry had known exactly what he was getting himself into, but it was still hard. He wouldn’t walk away from this thing they had for the world, but it was still hard.

He loved Louis with every molecule in his body, and that was the hardest part.

“Louis,” Harry breathed, barely audible. “Louis, are you awake? Can you hear me?”

Louis continued snoring, uninterrupted.

Harry sighed. “I wish I could tell you.” He whispered, “I have so many feelings that I want to tell you about, but I _know_ you aren’t ready. I want to tell you so _bad._ Part of me… part of me is afraid that it’s just going to slip out some day, without me meaning it to. That could ruin everything, and I have no idea what I’ll do if it happens. You’re sleeping and I’m _still_ too afraid to say it out loud in case you hear it in your dreams. You probably wouldn’t even think it was real, but I just can’t, and it’s killing me. Oh my god, Louis, it’s _killing_ me.” Harry clenched his jaw for a moment and breathed deeply. He could feel tears pricking at the backs of his eyes, and he was not about to cry on Louis’s chest.

“I hope you know.” he whispered once he’d calmed down. “I hope you can tell. I hope you can _feel_ it. Some day I’ll get to tell you, and maybe you’ll even say it back. And god, I… I can’t even imagine what that’ll feel like. If this is how you treat someone that you aren’t in love with, I can’t wait to see how much better it can get. If we end up together at the end of this, like really, properly together, it’ll have been worth every second. Louis, you mean _everything_ to me, and I wish I could tell you that when you’re conscious. We just… we just got the timing a little wrong, you know? But I want this to work _so bad._ ”

Harry quieted as Louis flexed his shoulder under Harry’s head.

 _‘I guess that’s my cue,’_ Harry thought. He slowly and carefully peeled himself off of Louis, lifting his head and giving him space to move, to roll on his side, away from Harry.

When he didn’t move, Harry shifted his weight, trying to separate the two of them without waking Louis.

Much to Harry’s surprise, Louis’s arm wrapped more tightly around him, pulling him back into his side, onto his chest. In the darkness a smile broke across Harry’s face. The euphoria he felt as Louis held him in his sleep reached into the core of his soul and plucked a melodic rhythm on his heartstrings.

Louis’s scruffy cheek found it’s resting spot against Harry’s forehead, and Harry was overwhelmed with love. It was as if he could feel it oozing out of every opening, every pore in his skin. He wanted to scream it from rooftops in cities he’s never been to, from mountain peaks bordering stormy seas. He wanted it printed on billboards in Times Square and written in the evening clouds, so the sunset would turn his words into a masterpiece so beautiful that it would take Louis’s breath away. He wanted to whisper it into Louis’s ear, breathe it into his skin, moan it into his mouth as Louis touched him beneath the covers.

He held his tongue.

Harry would keep these feelings bottled up for as long as he had to, or as long as he could. Whichever came first, really. The last thing he wanted was to ruin this thing that they had by telling Louis that he loved him too soon. If it was destined to slip past his lips unintentionally, then he could only hope and pray that Louis doesn’t run from him when the day finally comes.

But he’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it.

He was silent for a while, listening to the snores rumble through Louis’s chest.

Harry didn’t know how long they’d been lying like that before his muscles started to cramp up, informing him that they needed a good stretch. He peeled himself away from Louis again, and Louis didn’t seem to wake up. Harry had to physically move Louis’s arm closer to his body just so he had an open spot to lie down. Louis had stopped snoring.

Harry lowered himself back onto the mattress and stretched his legs and arms for a moment, feeling the tension evaporate from his body as a few of his joints popped quietly. He stayed on his back for a bit, collecting himself before turning on his side, away from Louis. The motion squeezed at his heart.

He finally heard the shuffle of blankets that signaled Louis’s change of positions. Harry gasped softly as he felt a hand come to rub at his side, with plush kisses being pressed into his shoulder blades. Harry absolutely adored those kisses.

“Sleep well.” Louis said, voice slightly rough.

One side of Harry’s mouth twitched up into a smile. Louis probably hadn’t realized that he himself had already been asleep for so long. Harry figured that meant he’d been sleeping deeply enough that Louis hadn’t heard any of his confessions. As much as it hurt, that was how it had to be for now. Harry understood. He’d known what he was getting himself into.

“Sweet dreams, Louis.”

_‘I love you.'_


End file.
